Archive for the ‘Profiles in Rocket Launchers’ Category

Subject: Sprint’s commercial featuring a “Renegade Cop” turning over all his weapons because he’s been assigned desk duty (specifically the 16 second mark)

Analysis: I admit that I found this commercial amusing the first time I saw it, even before he took out the rocket launcher. However (and this will hurt the final score), the commercial would have been 38% better (not scientifically proven) if the “Renegade Cop” in question had just taken out rocket launcher after rocket launcher, stacking them all up on the desk, instead of bothering with all those small, infantile weapons. As we all know, when you have a rocket launcher, there really is no need for any other weapon. Besides, who’s going to mess with a police officer who carries around a rocket launcher (or twenty)?
Answer: I pity the fool.

(Note that the official ‘Rocket Launcher Rating’ is for how well the subject utilizes rocket launchers. It’s not a rating of the subject itself)

Rocket Launcher Rating:

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Subject: Sgt. Frog Episode 4, which formally introduces us to Keroro’s squadmate, Corporal Giroro, who carries a rocket launcher around like it’s a purse (which gives me an idea…)best frog ever.

Analysis: This show makes me laugh. Even the show’s description from Wikipedia makes me laugh:

“Sergeant Keroro, the titular character, is the leader of the platoon, but is at the mercy of a human family of three after he is captured while trying to hide in one of the family member’s bedroom. In both the manga and anime, Keroro is forced to do meaningless chores and errands for the family after his army abandons his platoon on Earth.”

It’s kind of like Alf, with less attempted cat-eating. And alien frogs instead of whatever Alf was supposed to be.Giroro

Weapons-aficionado Corporal Giroro appears briefly at the end of episode 3 in a teaser/cliffhanger, but has his big feature debut in episode 4. He immediately makes it known (via actions, not words) that he has a tendency to use explosives of all sorts for whatever reason he chooses. He explodes out of the television Keroro is trying to watch using his previously-mentioned rocket launcher. He explodes squad-mate Tamama for being unable to ‘grit his eyes.’ He explodes Keroro to wake him up from the first explosion he was caught in. He then tries to explode (human girl) Natsumi, but she defeats his traps with a leek and he falls in love with her after she defeats him in battle in her brother’s room… it all makes perfect sense in the show.giroro fires

The thing that’s a little different about Giroro’s rocket launcher is that in episode 6, during Giroro’s epic battle with a butler, it shoots what seems to be lasers. LASERS. I think that would officially make it a “laser launcher.” But in episode 4, it clearly fires rockets (with little skulls painted on them) at Natsumi (which she doesn’t take kindly to). The aforementioned lasers do make things explode though, so that means the launcher can actually fire two different types of ammo. (!) It must be some kind of uber-weapon from the alien frog planet. Humans would do well to obtain, study, and dissect all they can from these strange yet wonderful beings.giroro firing laser

Also, Keroro’s Gundam model obsession is hilarious. team around the table, enjoying snacks

(Note that the official ‘Rocket Launcher Rating’ is for how well the subject utilizes rocket launchers. It’s not a rating of the subject itself)

Rocket Launcher Rating (de arimasu):
five rocket launchers

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Subject: The new Nintendo DS game Scribblenautsdevious time taker, this game

Analysis: In Scribblenauts, you are given a notebook in which you can type or write any word, and that word manifests itself inside the game world. Examples include teacher, ocean, cat, Abraham Lincoln, airplane, and stick. All of those objects have been summoned by myself to be used and/or misused in said game.how to summon a magic ladder, and climb it

However, given the nature of this blog, and my own nature as myself, one of the first items I typed in was of course, rocket launcher.

Lo and behold, down plopped a rocket launcher for my character to pick up and, eventually, fire off screen. After one shot, the empty launcher fell out of his hands and disappeared.general chaotic screenshot

So, now I will attempt to summon a rocket launcher and use it on various things, recording the results here for posterity:

Rocket launcher vs:

a t-rex: this just seems like a bad idea all around, but I’m doing this in the name of rocket launcher experimentology, so… the first shot just made him angry (pretty realistic so far). It also left a hole in the ground. The second shot succeeded in taking down the brute, leaving behind a tasty steak. Dr. Alan Grant would be jealous (or horrified).

a brick wall: one shot, lots of rubble, and a hole in the ground (adding to the size of the first hole). Not much competition or surprise here.

a mongoose: well, this one wasn’t much of a surprise either. One shot, one disintegrated mongoose. And another large hole in the ground.

a bird: Birdie flies. Rocket flies. Birdie doesn’t fly anymore. This almost wasn’t fair (almost). If that whole “dinosaurs became birds” theory is true, then dinosaurs sure have gotten weaker. One rocket-weaker.

a shoe: Surprising results here. One direct hit sent the shoe flying a few feet and left a (giant) hole in the ground, but the shoe was perfectly fine. Fine enough for my character to proudly put it on and wear it through the following test…

a torte: Boom. Poof. No more torte.

Albert Einstein: Now, I have nothing against the guy, but if he’s going to be the one to create the most powerful bomb on earth, perhaps he should also have figured out a way to withstand the power of a rocket launcher. He didn’t put up much of a fight.

a bank (the large, building kind): Seriously not a good idea to do outside the confines of a video game. People wouldn’t really find this amusing in real life. And… it seems the game doesn’t think it’s a good idea either. The rocket flies right past the giant building in front of me (with a pink piggy bank sign on it). However, I’ll leave it there for the next test…

a nuke: The Einstein test gave me an idea. Go out with a bang. A big bang. And see if banks are truly blast-proof. I tried to set the nuke in front of the bank twice, but both times the game automatically put the nukes inside the bank. Well… that should make things more interesting. With two nukes already filling up all the space inside the bank, I placed a third one by the front door and fired. The results are to be expected, I guess. Everything exploded, even my character, and I started the level over.

Lesson for today: don’t put two nukes inside a bank and blow up a third outside the building. Nothing good with come of it (except maybe a chuckle).
And Einstein’s a wuss.scribblenauts nintendo power cover

(Note that the official ‘Rocket Launcher Rating’ is for how well the subject utilizes rocket launchers. It’s not a rating of the subject itself)

Rocket Launcher Rating:

three rocket launchers

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Subject: VC9 Missile Launcher in Killzone 2 (note that this game is rated M for Mature)if he had green eyes, he might have been nicer


Fluffy, happy bunnies… Are not in this game.

General notes on the VC9:

– It comes with 3 shots, and takes nearly a month to reload.
– It also comes with a ‘general sight’ to aim with, which will assist you in blowing up anything in the ‘general area’ you point it in.duck

The majority of this profile will be a little different than other ‘rocket launchers in games’ profiles I’ve done to date. See, near the end of Killzone 2, there’s one point where the character you play as and one of the computer-controlled teammates face wave after wave of enemies in a sanctum (also known as a ‘really big room’) area. Of course, the enemies aren’t very friendly and are looking to make you restart at the last checkpoint as many times a possible. I know this because I restarted at one particular checkpoint many, many times.those people don't like me much

What was it that had me restarting from that particular checkpoint, you ask? Was it a nice checkpoint that I found inviting and comforting, that I wanted to just spend all day there, maybe build a house and start a family RIGHT THERE?

Not quite.

Nope. What kept me at that checkpoint was, of all things, missile launchers. At one point, as another wave of enemies enters the sanctum, three enemies lugging missile launchers waltz in from the other side of the room and start firing rocket after rocket at MY side of the room. You can see how this may be hazardous for my character’s health. Not only are normal grunt troops trying to take me down with their standard firearms, sharp objects, and negative karma, I’ve also gotta deal with volleys of rockets flying right at me. Even running full-tilt from left to right, either trying to pick up a new weapon or just trying to evade the new, shiny rocket that’s heading straight for my ear, the missile launcher enemies have an uncanny ability of aiming for the wall right behind me, or the pillar right in front of me, or my head right on top of me.even their flag is mean

I must have restarted that section about twenty times. I don’t get mad often, but when I fail at games like that, I get mad. Maybe that helps me be a rather calm person most of the time, because I take my aggression out on video games, and that one afternoon of trying to beat Killzone 2 left me fully drained of anger. I will be in a state of constant bliss for about two weeks, I think.

(And for the record, I did eventually beat that section, and the entire game. On normal difficulty. I then turned it off and took the disc out of the system forever.)

Not since the giant walker enemies in Half Life 2 had I been so mad at a FPS. Oh man, those walker enemies… don’t get me started on the despair those caused.SD cute Helghast soldiers... awww

(Note that the official ‘Rocket Launcher Rating’ is for how well the subject utilizes rocket launchers. It’s not a rating of the subject itself)

Rocket Launcher Rating:
three rocket launchers
(the same number of missile launchers it took for me to start questioning my sanity)

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In honor of Gabe Newell’s kind words about the Fuzz of War short, I present to you…

Subject: The rocket launcher of the Soldier class in Valve’s seminal Team Fortress 2 (360 version)

great art style wins over realism any day

Analysis: As the game says under the Soldier’s profile: “Shoot your rocket launcher at enemy’s feet! Use your rocket launcher to rocket jump!” *

* Feet and rocket launchers usually don’t mix. Rocket jumping is best attempted only in videogames, kids. It doesn’t work all that well in real life.there's only really one option here...

The Soldier’s default weapon is a rocket launcher, as every default weapon should be (I think we’ve discussed this before…) The Soldier’s rocket launcher carries four rockets at a time, is fairly accurate within the targeting reticule, and fires the four rockets fast enough that most enemies are guaranteed to be at least mildly injured after the volley. Be advised that reloading all four rockets at once will take a few weeks.Maggots!

Let’s get back to this rocket jumping concept. In theory, the propulsion of the rocket exploding under your feet during a jump propels you farther up than if you weren’t exploding a deadly rocket under your Nikes. The pogo stick would have never been invented if they had managed to think of this first. Imagine basketball if all the players could gain extra height on their dunks by rocket jumping. LeBron could win the slam dunk contest easy. Pole vaulting in the Olympics would be made much more exciting with participants carrying a long sharp pole in one hand and a rocket launcher in the other. And just think of how far up the food chain kangaroos could leap if they came out of their mother’s pouch and immediately learned to rocket jump. Australia would be the center of the universe and all would serve under a mighty kangaroo monarchy. A high-leaping kangaroo monarchy.

So the biggest contribution Team Fortress 2 brings to the cause of rocket launchers is the mass acceptance of the practice of rocket jumping. Other games have done it before, but only Team Fortress 2 makes it cool (and makes it seem like something all the kids should be doing).incorrect rocket jumping

Also of note is the lady announcer who counts down to the mission beginning. She has a very nice threateningly-British accent. This has nothing to do with rocket launchers, but a nice voice is a nice voice, and I respect that.

I also highly recommend the Team Fortress 2 animated shorts/character profiles. They’re highly entertaining (but probably best for the 13 & up crowd, as there is some violence)

http://store.steampowered.com/app/440 (the short videos are on the right side of the page)

Last one alive, lock the door!

(Note that the official ‘Rocket Launcher Rating’ is for how well the subject utilizes rocket launchers. It’s not a rating of the subject itself)

Rocket Launcher Rating: 22 1/2 rocket launchers

(the Soldier blew up the standard 1-5 ranking, and I wasn’t about to confront him about it. I think there’s about 22 1/2 rocket launchers there)

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Subject: The rocket launchers in Worms, the 2D side-scrolling turn-based cartoony strategy game.worms title

Analysis: Worms. With rocket launchers (and grenades and air strikes). I would totally trademark that idea myself if it wasn’t already an awesomely addictive game series.

worms bazooka Not since Earthworm Jim have annelids had quite an arsenal at their disposal, yet smartly (at least in the version I played), their default weapon of choice is the trusty rocket launcher (referred to as a ‘bazooka’ in the game) with UNLIMITED ammo (obviously this takes some liberties with reality). It kinda makes me wish more first person shooters let you start off with a rocket launcher, instead of making it some sort of semi-mythical hidden weapon. In fact, most video games would benefit by starting the player off with a rocket launcher. I know I’d surely do better at Madden if my offensive linemen were all equipped with their very own (team colored) rocket launcher. “Boom! Tough actin’ (generic athlete’s foot treatment).”
(I don’t just hand out endorsements)WARNING: rocket launcher in use

My only complaint about how Worms uses rocket launchers (and this is a complaint because of how often it ends up bringing an untimely end to my four-worm squad), is that wind affects the trajectory in a manner that is both unpredictable and destructive. Usually I endorse both of those traits, but when it ends up with me being presented with a “(not me) won the match” screen, then I don’t approve of them quite so much.

I’m also not sure how many other games let you teleport to the edge of a cliff to set up a perfect shot with the rocket launcher that destroys the ground underneath an opposing worm, effectively knocking them into the watery abyss below. The teleport/rocket launcher combo is hereby awarded the Official KWARL Seal of Approval.

"You'll regret that!"

(Note that the official ‘Rocket Launcher Rating’ is for how well the subject utilizes rocket launchers. It’s not a rating of the subject itself)

Rocket Launcher Rating:four rocket launchers

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Subject: Sanya V. Litvyak’s Fliegerfaust B 9-barrell rocket launcher, for this instance in episode 6 of Strike Witches – “Solidarity” (minor-spoilers, and Strike Witches is probably best left for the 13 and up crowd)

Strike Witches

Strike Witches

Analysis: Strike Witches is a really fun show. Air combat in a world where nobody wears pants. Classic setup, that. Sanya’s the witch who does night patrol, keeping a lookout for the air-based enemy to the human race, known as the “Neuroi.” She has the magical ability to read signals, like radio waves, to detect enemies over a great distance, and also happens to carry a modified Fliegerfaust B 9-barrell rocket launcher during her patrols. She’s also a really nice singer (her songs also happen to be her magical spells that allow her to catch AM and FM).

Sanya says hi

She’s pretty accurate with her shots, it seems. Firing at an enemy hidden in the clouds, causing brilliant white explosions in the sky. She’s controlled with it too. Only firing one or two rockets at a time, very deliberately. Due to the ‘magical girl’ side of the characters, all the girls are able to wield their weapons rather easily. A nice visual example was made when two male soldiers struggled to carry a large weapon over to one of the Strike Witches, and she picked it up from them with no effort whatsoever. Sanya’s ease-of-use with the heavy Fliegerfaust is certainly due to that same reasoning. Magic can solve all sorts of problems.

At the end of episode 6, Sanya gives up her Fliegerfaust to fellow Strike Witcher Eila Ilmatar Juutilainen, as they work as a team to locate the approaching Neuroi and destroy it. Sanya uses her magical ability to let Eila know exactly where to fire, since Eila never misses (or so she claims). So with a combination of the Fliegerfaust and Eila’s normal Suomi KP/-31 submachine gun, plus Yoshika Miyafuji’s magical shield to protect them from the Neuroi’s red-beam-of-doom, they wage a static-positioned air assault on the single Neuroi and explode it to pieces.

From left: Fliegerfaust B, Eila, Miyafuji and Sanya

The Fliegerfaust is actually a real rocket launcher model, used briefly by the Germans (the bad guys, according to all World War 2 video games) in World War 2, so its use in Strike Witches is grounded in reality (it’s the magical-girl-air-combat-sans-pants where the series takes some liberties). 9 barrels of boom are nice, though I’d argue that due to the space requirements, each actual rocket is smaller and less powerful than the rocket in our beloved M136 AT4. Although having 9 chances to explode something is a nice alternative to sheer power. That said, all those factors don’t really compete with the fact that I share a birthday with Sanya and Miyafuji, which completely curves the final score.the whole strike witches team, super deformed

(Note that the official ‘Rocket Launcher Rating’ is for how well the subject utilizes rocket launchers. It’s not a rating of the subject itself)

Rocket Launcher Rating:five rocket launchers

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